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Some of you, my faithful readers, know that I write thesearticles at just minutes before press time. I can just picture the editors biting their nails as I write this, wondering if they’ll have to ask me for a rewrite, or if I’ll make it before press time. Heh heh. Such power should not be in the hands of just one man!

So what is currently lurking in the “Caverns”? No one knows… not even me. What treasures will we find? Hope you brought a flash light, it gets kind of dark in here.

One thing is assured, however, and that is you will forever be enchanted, your sanity revived, and you’ll be at least 10% smarter just for taking this journey with me… or not!

In a previous article, I gave you some “Snarp Twain” quotes and so I thought this time I’d give you some “Snarp Rogers” quotes.

1. Never kiss a man who’s chewing tobacco, unless you’re willing to spit.

2. Never lick a cow pie on a hot day… well umm never lick a cow pie on any kind of day, that’s just wrong!

3. There are 9 strategies for winning an argument with a woman… none of them ever work, so never miss a good chance to shut up.

4. If you do miss the chance to shut up then always drink upstream from her.

5. If you find yourself in a hole, learn to shut up and stop getting remarried.

6. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it up and put it back in your pocket, or stop missing the chance to shut up!

7. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn when to shut up. The few who learn by watching others learn to shut up, and the rest of them have to be beat to a pulp to find out for themselves when to shut up.

8. If making good decisions comes from experience, and a most of that comes from making bad decisions, well then we’re ok!

9. If you think that you are finally getting ahead of the game, better take a good look at the rule book, you now owe more taxes.

10 Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than learning when to shut up.

Shopping is the art of convincing him to shut up, then give you money to spend he doesn’t have, for something you don’t need, and he’ll never get to use!

This one I just couldn’t defile, this one belongs to Will and Will alone.

After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral of the story: When you’re full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

Here’s just a little something extra for you I stumbled upon: On average, 100 people choke to death on ball-point pens every year.

Hmmm… eating pens? The economy must be worse than I thought!

Okay, one more, There’s no Betty Rubble in the Flintstones Chewable Vitamins. That really pisses me off… she’s hot!

Alright… I’ll shut up!

~ Snarp

www.snarpfarkle.com

Today started out to be a wonderful day…

After my morning ritual ass chewing from my boss, which really is just his way to let me know how much he loves me, I was feeling all full of warmth and love. I mean for him to help start my day off in the right frame of mind like he does he must really, really love me a lot! So devoted he is to spend so much quality time bringing me so much joy every morning. Gosh I am SO lucky!

Despite all the mushy warmth and love at my meeting this morning I was determined to find a solution to a nagging months long problem we were having… okay “I” was having as was so beautifully explained to me.

I decided to forgo my usual duties for the day in favor of eliminating this “Monster Problem”. After all if I could solve this problem I’d earn a “MEGA ATABOY”! Throughout the day I seemed to be achieving great success. “Dufus” and I actually earned two “ATABOYS” for solving a couple of other nagging problems along the way.

Then it happened… EUREKA! I finally found the source of the “Monster Problem” and promptly put Dufus to work and within an hour… BAM!… problem solved! Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy we’ve earned the MEGA ATABOY!

Tomorrow morning my boss will be speechless, morning ritual ass chewing’s were no place for receiving ATABOYS yet alone MEGA ATABOYS so he’ll have nothing to say!

“WHOOPEEE” shouted Dufus as he started dancing the jig and singing… “WE’VE EARNED THE MEGA, MEGA MEGA MEGA, WE’VE EARNED THE MEGA, MEGA ATABOY!” There’s a reason we call him Dufus!

I left Dufus singing and dancing in the background to preform the final inspection of our work when I heard a strange noise. “SHHHH, DUFUS QUIET DOWN I HEAR SOMETHING.” He ignored me, of course, as he bathed in his one and only moment of glee for the year.

“DUFUS!” I screamed, “There’s something wrong… something doesn’t sound right… uhhh Dufus?”

Just then the unthinkable happened… the sound of breaking machinery began to drown out the singing Dufus and everything came to a halt. A look of horror came over Dufus as he slumped to the ground like a drunken whore pounding his fists on the ground screaming “NO… OH NO… NO NO NO… IT’S MURPHY’S LAW… MURPHY’S LAW!” and just started crying like a little girl!

“DUFUS!” I yelled, “GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF MAN, WE’VE GOT BIG PROBLEMS!”, but my words fell on deaf ears as it was apparent that he’d been haunted most of his life by Murphy’s Law. Guys like Dufus should never learn to read.

As it turns out by conquering the “Monster Problem” we have just gave birth to the “Biggest Baddest of all Monster Problems” which incidentally shut down production in the whole North East Quadrant of our company. That constitutes one “DUMBASS” which cancels out all ATABOYS!

Murphy’s Law… bah!

I have my own law, Snarp’s Law and it says “If anything did go wrong… it’s not my fault!”

I can already feel the love coming my way tomorrow!

~ Snarp

www.snarpfarkle.com