While doing research on the subject of “Accident-Proneness”, I was surprised to find that no one has yet to put a name on it, nor can they define it satisfactorily to be an acceptable medical condition.

What prompted me to look into this subject matter was that I met a young lady named “Grace” that could give me a run for the money when it comes to being accident prone! She’s a sweet young lady with a smile that could melt the polar ice caps.

Grace’s smile however, unwittingly hides the danger signs to other humans that your life could be in danger, even though she swears that no one other than herself has ever been injured while being in her presence!

Umm… sorry honey I distinctly remember you slamming a car door on one of your friend’s hands, then seeing her fingers wriggling through the glass as her plea for help progressively got louder and louder until you unlocked the door so I could free her from your trap!

Yeah… all that!

At first I thought it was just a coincidence when I witnessed Grace pulling the hot cherry off her cigarette between her fingers causing third degree burns, not once, not twice, but three times!

It didn’t take me very long to conclude that maybe she was telling the truth about her “gracelessness”. I’ve since learned to follow her down a flight of stairs, that way she won’t take me out when she performs her daily skidding down the stairs on her ass!

She must have a tailbone made of steel, or one hell of a chiropractor bill! Oh wait there’s more! It seems that while carrying a tray full of crystal, the other day, she tripped over something that she swears wasn’t there earlier, falling face first to the floor!

“THUMP-OOF-CRASH-TINKLE-TINKLE!”

As bystanders tried to catch her, and the crystal, they got a good show when her short skirt came up to her waist revealing her thonged ass for all to see! Whoohoo!

Damn it, I always miss the good ones!

I swear she can trip over air!

I was hoping to find some preventative measures to help my poor little friend to avoid these graceless interludes. But to my dismay there wasn’t anything that can really describe this phenomenon as a simple condition that can be prevented or cured.

The reasons why certain people, myself included, have a tendency to inadvertently cause injury to themselves doing normal things on a normal day and end up with burns, missing appendages, broken bones, cuts and bruises, varies so much that it can’t be pinpointed!

So for now Grace will have to add a severely bruised and scraped knee to her trophy list of injuries from the stupid things that happen to her!  Her list is too long to include here, but trust me she’s catching up to me fast!

I have her beat so far though with a missing finger tip, broken pinky finger, dent in my skull and a broken knee cap, and I still hold the record for walking into telephone poles!

Yeah… bring it on lady! Hah!

Since only 1 in 29 people can claim to be as uncoordinated, that makes us… SPECIAL!

~Snarp
www.snarpfarkle.com

This article is being brought to you from my Top Secret hide-a-way, “Camp Shush”, deep within the hills of Pennsylvania.  “Camp Shush”, so named because I’m not allowed to tell anyone where it’s located.

Why?  Because it’s a secret getaway for a handful of real humans in which neither they nor I want a bunch of squatters coming up here and leaving all kinds of trash, bitchy ex-wives or unruly kids behind!

Yeah… nothing more irritating than getting to a campsite after a long drive then having to pick up someone else’s trash before you can even set up camp!

Well… having to transport their left-behind bitchy ex-wives or unruly kids back to civilization; hmm… THAT’S pretty irritating!

“YACKITY-YACK-BOO-HOO-YACKITY-YACK”, sheesh no wonder they’re always left behind!

Anyways, let’s go over some camping etiquette to make your next camping expedition more enjoyable.

1.    Never forget to take an extra supply of female hormone patches when going camping.

If she forgets to change it, quickly snatch one up and slap it on her forehead, run away, drink more beer!

Immediately don your SnarpFarkle “Don’t PMS On Me!” tee-shirt and have your SnarpFarkle “Triple-Dose-Anti-PMSer-Opiate-Spray” on hand in case of a sneak attack!  Drink more beer!

2.    DO NOT throw rocks at garbage eating bears!  Seems they don’t take too kindly to that… huh, didn’t know that!

3.    If you need to force a smelly drunken friend to take a shower, during camp week, it’s apparently okay to trip him on the path to the shower filleting his knees and elbows like a perch!

If he complains about the pain make him drink more beer!  That’ll teach him to stink!

4.    Beware of tobacco smoking slugs!

Yeah it seems the little nasty slime coated buggers like to rest on your pipe stem or the filters of cigarettes.

Since they are the same color as the filter paper they will end up in your mouth and what a rush that is!  Almost like eating someone else’s snot balls!

DON’T THINK ABOUT IT!
SPIT IT OUT IMEDIATELY!
DRINK MORE BEER!

5.    Never say “NO” if the hung-over camp cook wants to put baked beans on your morning ham and cheese omelet!

He just might trip you on the way to your next shower! Once is enough, just drink more Bloody Mary’s to wash it down!

6.    If you’re over 40 don’t hesitate to bring a gasoline powered hydraulic wood splitter!

Nothing like the feeling of ripping muscles and tendons to remind you of how old you really are! In this case stop what you are doing and drink more beer!

7.    When putting two fat boys on a 4 wheeler going to the local pub and you start to smell burning rubber… yes your tire is rubbing on the exhaust and  is on fire!

Camping is supposed to be a fun, relaxing, and enjoyable experience… not necessarily in that order, but if your camping experience doesn’t contain these three elements then you’re doing it all wrong!  Bring more BEER!

~Snarp
www.snarpfarkle.com