Realizing that next year will be my high school’s… umm… a lot of years reunion, caused me to consider that maybe I really am getting… well old… der!

Don’t get me wrong, I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up!  This is very fortunate for you my loyal readers, after all if I ever figured it out would you want to read the crazed ramblings of a… a… GEEZER?

No… no my friends, you’ve gotten so used to reading the crazed ramblings of a mentally challenged 12 year old stuck in a man’s body, I just can’t do that to you!

I may not be able to avoid growing older, however, I indeed CAN refuse to grow up… yeah you’re welcome!

Don’t fall for all the crap propaganda out there about growing up; it’s only for those who suck at staying young at heart.

Here’s some Snarp Wisdom for ya…

When approaching the hurdles of life in your latter years, don’t fret if you can no longer lift your legs to clear them, there’s two ways to overcome this;

1.) Take your cane and poke the hurdles at the top center; this will knock them over and you can just hobble right over them!

2.) Or… wait for one of those young whippersnappers, trying to show you up to begin to lift their leg to jump, then poke em with your cane and they’ll fall into the hurdles knocking them all down; then just hobble right over them!  Be sure to chuckle.

So you see getting old… der doesn’t have to be boring, oh no on the contrary I can think of many ways to keep the ole brain waves full of zip.

For instance there must be lots of ways using a cane to mess with people.  You can poke em, trip em, grab em, and the list goes on and on!  If I end up having to use a cane though, I’d have to use one of my own evil designs to be sure.

Let’s see… it would have to have an mp3 player built in to annoy people with my jazz, blues and classic rock music, and maybe throw in a polka or two for all those punk rockers out there,  in stereo surround sound!

A cigar lighter, a built in LED flashlight, an aerosol fart eradicating spray canister, a built in cel-phone with a loud irritating ringtone, and at the press of a button an angry clowns voice shouting obscenities would be great!

A proximity alerts function would also have to be installed so all those punks I annoy can’t sneak up on me and knock me over. 

As soon as the alert goes off it would activate a cattle prod like electrical charge in the tip, that would shoot out bolts of lightning in their direction WITH thunder!

The cattle prod function would also come in handy for jump starting another geezer’s pace maker in a pinch!  And if I’m out on a date with a very sexy geezer lady and she falls asleep at the table during dinner, “JIZIZT!… JIZIZT!… WAKE UP!”

Heh-heh, hmm… this function could also come in handy during geezer sex afterwards, “JIZIZT!… JIZIZT!… WAKE UP!”

You really don’t want me to get old do you?

~Snarp
www.snarpfarkle.com

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While frequenting a local pub the other day, I noticed the bartender on duty that day was behaving in a somewhat playful energetic manner, and we’ll refer to her as “Fofanna”.

Fofanna is a bouncy person anyways, but for OTHER reasons, heh-heh!  On this day she was bouncing around all over the place behind the bar, as I said, in a somewhat playful energetic manner!

So I finally said; “Fofanna you sure are full of piss and vinegar today!”  Immediately, as you can imagine, thoughts of what I just said started bouncing around in my head like 222 little super balls in a dryer!

What the hell do piss and vinegar have to do with being energetic?  Or why if you’re full of piss and vinegar are you considered energetic?  Who in their right mind would drink either one?

Very complexing… yes complexing indeed!

Nobody in the pub could tell me how this strange adage came to be!  When I was a wee lad I remember my grandmother saying that to me, but it was usually preceded by her saying “You little imp…”

What could possibly have been going on in someone’s mind to come up with such a creepy statement as that? 

As it turns out it comes from the 1920’s, an abstract of other sayings, but still no one can tell me how those two liquids came to be associated with each other yet alone the meaning to be energetic!

It’s still a mystery!

There are other things that perplex me as well like; I would eat a lot more natural foods but I’ve learned that most people die of natural causes!  The natural foods advocates say things like “You are what you eat”… I AM NOT!  I would never put me in my mouth; I know where I’ve been!

I remember being totally shocked when learning that “Life is Sexually Transmitted”, and there’s not one shred of evidence that supports the notion that life is serious!

I also know if you’re too open-minded, your brains will fall out, but if the government claims to have no knowledge of aliens, then why does Title 14, Section 1211 of the Code of Federal Regulations; implemented on July 16, 1969, make it illegal for U.S. citizens to have any contact with extra-terrestrials or their vehicles?

I may not be the most brilliant intellectual organism on the planet, but just because I wonder how much deeper the oceans would be without sponges, doesn’t mean I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe!

Other things that I’ve heard over the years perplex me still such as “No matter where you go, there you are!” umm… not always!

“Gotta make ends meet.” By the time you can make ends meet, the ends move again!

How about “High on the hog” uh… pretty sure I never tried to smoke one, and if I did I did not inhale!

Right now I may be having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time, because I think I’ve forgotten all this before, but then again life is full of uncertainties … or could I be wrong about that too?

Ah yes, my mind IS like a steel trap, deadly, rusty and probably illegal in most states.

~Snarp
www.snarpfarkle.com