Well I’m trying something new with this article; I’m attempting to write this time with as many distractions as possible and under extreme pressure from Sage the slave driver editor to have it done in two hours!

I’m still in Silver City Iowa helping “Dude” and “Dude Dad” get ready to open their restaurant and lounge, “Austin’s On The Trail”, not “By The Trail” as I named it in the last article.  On the trail, by the trail whatever, it really isn’t “ON” the trail, if it were there’d be bicycles running into it all the time and a lot of people getting hurt!

It is however “BY” the trail, a bicycle trail made from an old railroad line much like the ones we have in Ohio.  But unlike Ohioans these people are serious about their bikes!  Some of them spend thousands of dollars on a friggen bicycle that they ride on these trails going from one town to the other stopping at local bars and restaurants on their 60+ mile trek!

60 miles… are they nuts?  I thought I was really accomplishing something when I rode my bike to the end of my road this summer!  60 miles seems a little excessive to me, and they also dress up in pretty little tights and wear those odd looking bicycle helmets that make you look like something out of the “Aliens” movie!

This could be an interesting way to write though.  Travel around the country, stop in strange little towns, find a small restaurant or bar and just go in and sit down, plop open the laptop and start writing about what I see and experience.  Hmm… I’ll have to think about that a little more.

If you recall in my last article, where I described how I was forced into eating another species testicles in order to not appear rude, I’m happy to report that I have not been approached to partake in any other sex organ eating rituals, however I have been asked if I would try Carp and “gizzards”!

Carp?  Uh no… they stink pretty bad when they’re alive don’t want that in my mouth thank you.  Gizzards???  What the hell are those?  It sounds too much like lizards and I don’t eat them.  Well to my horror I found out that gizzards are part of another animals guts!

Okay… I’m going to have to draw a line… and it’s going to be in eating other species sexual organs or guts!  I try to be polite whenever possible and to not be rude, and try new things, but there are some things that just don’t belong in Snarp’s mouth or digestive system and sex organs or guts are on the top of the list!

While we’re on the subject, there are also some things that do not belong in Snarp’s mind as well.  “Juster the Jester” tricked me into watching a rather disturbing movie, “The Human Centipede”, under the guise that it was going to be funny!  Uh… I thought I had seen just about all there was to see in life… until now!

DO NOT… I REPEAT… DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES ALLOW YOURSELF TO BE FOOLED INTO WATCHING THIS MOVIE!

Anyways besides being tricked into watching this disturbing movie, this has been a rather interesting adventure so far, but you need not worry about me, unless that is that I return to Ohio wearing pretty little tights, wearing an “Aliens” helmet, eating testicles and guts while riding a high tech bipedal controlled vehicle!

~ Snarp

www.snarpfarkle.com

It’s been an interesting couple of weeks since my last article. I’m sitting in a hunting cabin somewhere in Missouri, as I start to write this article, and I’ll finish it in a little town somewhere in Iowa!

No matter what Son of Snarp tells you, I did not get all gooned up and make a wrong turn one night ending up three states away from home… this time… I came out here to help some friends get an old building fixed up so they can open a restaurant and bar named “Austin’s By the Trail”, in a little town called Silver City, Iowa.

What started out as a five day getaway to help some friends has evolved into a full scale construction project, stretching the very fabric of my handyman skills to their limits! Since they do have an opening date some sacrifices have to be made, it appears that my sanity may be one of those sacrifices as I agreed to stay behind to help.

As I watched Sage and Son of Snarp2 drive away, I started to wonder, were they leaving me behind because of my skills to help with the project or just trying to get rid of me like dropping off a stray dog?

After all they DID experience fourteen hours being cooped up in a dinky little car with Snarp Farkle on the way out here and that in itself could have been very mentally taxing for their mere human brains!

Hmm… no Snarp OCD on the way home, no stopping every two hours so Snarp can smoke or pee! No stupid Snarp questions every ten minutes like “Are we there yet?”, or the ever popular “Snarp Snore!” Hmm…

Well my friends here have been taking me to a few different pubs in the area where I have been using my exceptional detective skills to scope out the locals, digging into their psyche to see what makes them tick!

My skills were put to the test last night when I was taken to a bistro in some remote ‘Area 51’ like place in Missouri! I mean the place doesn’t even show up on the GPS or Google Maps! Only a ditch! What the…?

Needless to say we got lost… in sideways rain trying to follow two old duck hunters in their truck going 85 mph down the pitch black rain soaked back roads! After successfully avoiding the car sized pot holes, and moose sized deer we finally arrived!

A local lady in the buffet line insisted on helping me figure out what was what, and to my horror grabbed a big ole tong full of ‘Rocky Mountain Oysters’ and proceeded to put them on my plate.! “Oh these are the best mountain oysters in the state!” she said, “here have some more!” “AHHHHH STOP” I wanted to say aloud, STOP IT WITH THE NUTS!”

Cow nuts… on my plate… umm… there are nuts… cow nuts… on my plate… and… and… they want me to eat them… nuts… cow nuts! I of course tried to eat my way around those nasty little critters, and sneak them into my pocket so I could go to the bathroom and dispose of them, but no-o-o, the lady kept staring at me and insisting that I had to eat them!

‘Dude’, the guy next to me didn’t want to eat them either and I noticed him coating them with a half an inch of barbeque sauce then swallowing them whole! So trying to be polite and not ruffle the feathers of the locals… I… I ate cow nuts… I… I ate them, BUT I didn’t chew them or let them touch my tongue so it doesn’t count!

~ Snarp

www.snarpfarkle.com

I was late getting out to the local pub district on Halloween and missed most of the annual freak show of normal people dressing up to resemble one of their funny or grotesque alter egos, or perhaps it’s the other way around for some of them.

For instance, it was reported to me that there was a hideous evil looking clown lady that was totally freaked out, and foaming at the mouth, upon being approached by Son of Snarp who was dressed up as a priest!

Hmm… maybe she really was a hideous looking clown lady trying to blend in with the Halloween crowd so no one would take notice! I wonder just how many foul creatures masquerading as humans come out of the shadows to prey on us unsuspecting humans, and is it just on Halloween?

I myself decided to dress up to look a lot like one of my alter egos, a normal human, and nobody could tell! Damn… it took a lot of effort to dress up as a normal human; I was a little disappointed.

I did get to annoy a few people with this neat vibrating pen I found in the store though. I was looking for one of those hand buzzers you wind up then offer to shake someone’s hand and wait for the look of disgust on their faces after they just about pee’d their pants, but I couldn’t find one.

Well Halloween is over once again and now we move on to the next scary holiday where again hideous foul creatures will slither out of the shadows masquerading as humans, foaming at the mouth, spewing their garbage in the laps of all the naive unsuspecting real humans… November Voting Day!

But once voted into office rest assured they too will return to lurking in the shadows, salivating over the remains of human dignity they that just devoured and we will all wonder if they too really exist!

Wow that sounded pretty good, I should become a writer!

Well let’s move on before this turns into a full blown rant on politicians. The last time I got on that soap box it took two months of articles to get me off the subject.

We are all consumptionistic by nature, we consume things, it’s what we do and we’re very good at it. Well at least we used to be good at it, back when we had the means to acquire things to consume. We consume to survive now instead of to thrive and that’s a real shame, we deserve better.

And what is it going to be like this year on Meleagrisgallopavo Day? How many tables will be without a Meleagrisgallopavo this year? If you find you can afford an extra Meleagrisgallopavo please be sure to get one for those less fortunate.

Or just start planing on giving someone special a Meleagrisgallopavo for Christmas this year; they will love you for it!

So what is the answer to our present economic situation? Well in my opinion, since we’ve been thrust into this new era of scarcity we need a Mary Poppins to come floating down on her magic umbrella and sing us a pretty little song to get our hopes back up with a title like:

“Superconsumptionisticexpialidocious!”

Go ahead try to sing THAT just two times! Heh-heh!

~ Snarp

www.snarpfarkle.com