Where the hell is my brain?  Anybody seen it?  Please look before you sit down, if you sit on it… it could be messy!!

I’ve been in a “zone” for the last couple of weeks now; a very strange and dark place that sucks the brain cells right out of your ears!

I knew I was in this strange dark zone after the ninth time I walked into the house to get something that I couldn’t remember why I wanted it yet alone what the hell it was that I walked into the house nine times to get!!

As usual I find myself standing in a room looking about for… what?  I knew what I wanted to get just seconds before I walked into the room that supposedly held the item for which I was looking for… or was it?

I could be in the wrong room for all I know and maybe pick something else up by mistake thus totally blowing my last few brain cells right out the top of my balding skull!

So back outside I go searching for that one brain cell that holds the key to my dilemma!  Sometimes retracing my steps helps me find it but brain cells are elusive creatures, you can’t see them so the chances of stepping on them are pretty high!

Sometimes it’s as though they just hang in the air too, like temporarily invisible spider webs and while retracing my steps I’ll run into one and in an instant remember what I went into the house to get and even what room I think it is in!  Whaahoo!!!

Then other times I’ll walk into one and say “What was that?” that would be one that has been hanging too long and lost its mojo and now just a faint mere shadow of a brain cell that held important data of where something was… sigh!

When I’m in the ‘zone’ it’s easy to get distracted and being ADD doesn’t help that in the least!

Sheesh I’ll be working on a project and realize that I need something really important from the house and while heading to the house to get it something catches my eye or someone will say something to me unrelated to my retrieval efforts and by the time I get to the door… I can’t remember why the hell I’m even going in the door to begin with!

So I stand there for a few seconds with my hand on the knob trying desperately to remember what I was doing there, I’ll look back in the direction of my project and if I’m lucky I’ll have one of those ‘bungee cord brain cells’ that’ll snap back and slap me on the forehead and “Whaahoo!” I’ll remember not only why I’m standing on the porch with my hand on the door knob but even what it was I sent myself to retrieve!

Of course other times I’m forced to go back to my project and tinker with it until I get to the point where this whole mess started, then hopefully not repeat the process of searching for the ever illusive brain cells that hold the keys to my sanity!

When being in the zone gets to be too much to handle I find it best to just sit down with a beer and say “Screw it!” and that’s why ladies us guys have all those unfinished projects, when the mojo’s gone it’s time to move on!

~ Snarp

www.snarpfarkle.com

We all have encountered troubles in our lives at one time or another, some on a daily basis.  I was a middle child so trouble is no stranger to me heh-heh!

There seems to be a big difference in having trouble, having troubles and being troubled, which has always kind of confused me. I know it’s hard to believe… me… confused?

Problems always seem to lead to trouble. For instance; if I say something like “I have a problem with this chair” then after going through all the reasons of what the problem is with the chair and determining that it can’t be resolved then I’ve got ‘trouble’ with the chair!

A problem child, a term I am very familiar with also, always seems to lead to a ‘troubled teen’, which then leads to ‘being troubled’ as an adult and being told “You’ve got a problem!” while getting thrown out of a bar for drinking too many Holy Moses beers and asking to touch things you’re not supposed to and thus getting into… ‘trouble’, which could probably explain the ‘problem’ with the chair!

Oh… umm… ahem… sorry got off track there a little, heh-heh!

Anyways it would seem that if you got rid of all of your ‘problems’ then you wouldn’t have any ‘trouble’.  Not so! ‘Trouble’ can be turned into a ‘problem’ and back to ‘trouble’ as well!

As an example I’m having ‘trouble’ with my van’s gas gauge not reading correctly.  The ‘trouble’ turns into a ‘problem’ when I run out of gas!  The ‘problem’ then turns back into ‘trouble’ when I realize that I don’t have a friggen gas can!

Now that ‘trouble’ turns back into a ‘problem’ when all I have is $20 and have to buy a friggen $10 gas can… PLUS TAX which then leaves me with less than $10 to put almost 2 gallons of gas in a 5 gallon friggen $10 gas can which may give me enough friggen gas to get me to the friggen bank to get some more friggen money so I can get some more friggen gas!

Now I get to add another 5 gallon friggen $10 gas can to my friggen collection of 5 gallon friggen $10 gas cans which I’ll leave at home so that when I run out of gas again I’ll be right back in friggen ‘trouble’!!

Stupid van!

So how many troubles must you have in order to be considered troubled and why is it a bad thing to be troubled?  You never hear “Sure am glad he’s troubled!” it’s always “Stay away from him he’s ‘troubled’!”

“Say Jeb how do you know he’s ‘troubled’?”

“Well Ned he keeps falling out of his chair after drinking too many Holy Moses beers and asking to touch things he’s not supposed to, which was right after not having a gas can… again when running out of gas… again and has added another 5 gallon friggen $10 gas to his 5 gallon friggen $10 gas can collection for starters!”

“Yeah Jeb he’s ‘troubled’ alright, stay away from him he’s got a problem!”

So you see the trouble with troubles is that they are always associated with problems and since you’re always going to have those you’re most likely to have troubles too!  However you don’t have to end up being ‘troubled’ if you just keep a 5 gallon friggen $10 gas can in your vehicle!!

The best advice I’ve found is that if you eat a live toad in the morning nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day!

~ Snarp

www.snarpfarkle.com

Let’s get something straight right now…

There must be a reason I’m writing this article because I am not writing it for no reason at all… that would just be silly!

But what… the hell… is a reason?

Why do I need to know what a reason is you ask?  Well I’m glad you asked because there must be one for me to write this article remember?  Sheesh stay with me now this is important!

I’m writing this article for a reason and not for no reason at all because that would just be silly, so I need to know what a reason is so I can write this article because there must be a reason to write it!  If there was no reason then I wouldn’t be writing an article within reason now would I?

I would then have to write an article with no reason at all and that can’t be done because I’d still need a reason to want to write an article with no reason at all and therefore it is impossible to write an article for no reason at all!  So I must press on and write this article for a reason!  Still with me?

There are several reasons available to me like:

Stands to reason, with good reason, tried to reason, have a reason, need a reason, the only reason, give a reason, within reason, what’s the reason, listen to reason, and my favorite… by reason of!

Hmm… let’s see… hmm… ok… I think I got it!

It stands to reason that by reason of my insanity that I need a reason to write this article within reason which is the only reason I have a reason because if I give a reason then I can’t listen to reason because I just gave it away and couldn’t say I tried to reason and then I couldn’t write my article for a reason and not for no reason at all because that’s just silly so what’s the reason for writing this article?

I have a Snarp Alert to announce!

There’s been a big problem with the Bozone Layer lately and I want to do my part to help shed light on this problem for my loyal readers.

The Bozone Layer is the polluted substance surrounding people that stops bright ideas from penetrating rendering them stupid. By reason of stupidity these people then pollute the rest of us making communication nearly impossible!

Bozoners, I like to call them, have penetrated all aspects of society and most of them hold public office.  You’ll know them right off by their lack of justification for being unreasonable because they don’t have a reason to be reasonable!

Other Bozoners you’ll recognize by their inability to think clearly and coherently because they have been in the Bozone Layer so long that their ability to listen to reason has decayed beyond repair!  As an example, these Bozoners can usually be found in cars on the freeway texting someone to give them a reason to keep driving!

Then there’s the ONO Bozoners that suddenly realize that they started to be reasonable which means they’d have a reason that they would then have to give to fellow Bozoners which means those Bozoners would have to listen to reason and totally jeopardize their existence!  ONO!

Bozoners are everywhere and have polluted our society for centuries.  The Bozone Layer is thickening and the only way for you to stay out of the Bozone Layer is to be reasonable and now you have a good reason to listen to reason and go Bozoneless by giving a reason for others to be reasonable… within reason of course!

~ Snarp

www.snarpfarkle.com

It was brought to my attention that I have been participating in a n-n-n-normal human practice that for all intents and purposes can be very annoying, and even though I pride myself in being annoying, this practice is r-e-a-l-l-y annoying even for me!

I was told I whine a lot and not from just one person either!  Hmm… now I’ve got to find out if I do in fact… whine!

The first thing I must know is what really is whining?  I know that dogs whine, kids whine, and ex-wives whine in fact most n-n-n-normal people whine at some point but in case you’ve forgotten… I… am not n-n-n-normal!

During my research on whiners I found that society for the most part does not take too kindly to whiners and complainers.  In fact most comments I found were very rude and ruthlessly insulting!  It’s like a whole other world that is as despised and detested as a festering useless miserable can of rotten spam!

How can people be so insensitive?  How is it that I find myself in such a wretched state hated by society?  For someone to tell me I whine a lot can only mean one thing…

I’ve slipped into… ‘The Whinelight Zone’!

“You’re traveling through another dimension, a dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind.  A journey into a wondrous land whose boundaries are that of imagination. At the signpost up ahead your next stop is …

The Whinelight Zone!”

In ‘The Whinelight Zone’ reside all kinds of whiners, complainers, moaners, groaners, nitpickers, crybabies, drama queens, excessive talkers, gossipers, woe-is-me-ers and fault finders… LIFE SUCKING ZOMBIES!

Some have called them “energy sucking vampires” but most vampires have a personality and can outwit you in several different ways.  Zombies are slow witted, usually rotting from the inside out and they are never any more intelligent than brainless rodents!

So the chronic whiners, complainers, moaners, groaners, nitpickers, crybabies, drama queens, excessive talkers, gossipers, woe-is-me-ers and fault finders are too busy complaining or whining to be witty and because their problems are never going to go away they sit and fester within them and start rotting their minds from the inside out.  ZOMBIES!

They must have sought me out to spew their infestation of decaying mind matter on me and by taking bites out of my intellect tried to turn me into a slow witted brainless rotting rodent also!  Hmm… this is starting to make sense!

Being victimized I’d start venting and spewing my own “Gee sure do wish things were different for me!” thoughts upon other unwary humans and then be stuck in my own newly formed pessimistic rotted mindless world that is so dreadful now that I begin to seek others to whine and complain to!

So if no one had intervened, the life sucking zombie herd mentality would have kicked in and I’d be mindlessly wandering the earth complaining about whiners, moaning about groaners, nitpicking about crying crybabies, excessively talking about drama queens, gossiping and finding fault with woe-is-me-ers!

I’d be forever salivating as a hideous demented rotting homicidal zombie, drooling and oozing disease ridden festering sludge in search of the new sniveling cursed whining prey found roaming in the streets of…

‘The Whinelight Zone’

~Snarp

www.snarpfarkle.com

For St. Patrick’s Day I’m going to tell you a tale of the legend of Maggie McGregor, a heroin whose life’s story has been all but obliterated from the sands of time.  I will now bring her back to life for you, my loyal readers, so that you can tell your children, your children’s children and their children’s children the true story of the heroic fearless Maggie McGregor!

Once upon a St. Patrick’s Day, a tiny dazzling child named Maggie McGregor was born into the Land of Farklelonia. Although no one knew it at the time, she was not a normal child, she was magically enchanted. But as they say with odd powers comes odd situations. So as she grew up, she was faced with many odd challenges.

When she was only 16 years old, she was alone in the village of Snarpton when a flock of strange Three Eared Fetchlings appeared out of nowhere! She had to think quickly before they attacked and destroyed the village.

Being only 16 and unable to lift a sword to fend them off, she remembered her newly acquired ‘alluring enchantment’ spell that she had perfected on a local boy named Snarply McFarkler!

He was a very odd fellow but had happily allowed her to attempt the very first ‘alluring enchantment’ spell on him by kissing him wildly thus turning his kneecaps into jelly and then he would fall to the ground twitching and drooling!

So when the strange three-eared Fetchlings appeared she cast the ‘alluring enchantment’ spell on them and when they got close enough she started kissing them wildly thus turning their kneecaps into jelly and then they fell to the ground twitching and drooling until they came to and flew away never to return! Luckily, she got away with only Three Eared Fetchling Fleas on her eye brows.

Then on her 20th St. Patrick’s Day her exceptional powers we’re really put to the test. She got a magic tomato plant call from her now enchanted lover, Snarply McFarkler. He told her that an evil ferocious homeless naked leprechaun was holed up in Igiddygaga cave trying to twist his technology!

Alarmed and worried for the safety of her Snarply she told him she would come and together they would protect his technology from this evil by casting her ‘alluring enchantment’ spell on it and then arrogantly spanking it 100 times! (A newly acquired skill she had also perfected with Snarply!)

She knew if she failed, the world would sneeze to death slowly from the loss of Snarply McFarkler’s Three Eared Fetchling Flea Dust removal technology.

Being noble and brave Maggie McGreggor joined Snarply McFarkler, armed with her ‘alluring enchantment’ spell and he with his magical, idiotic armor. Together they followed the map into the dark Igiddygaga Cave, where they found the ferocious homeless naked leprechaun.

The battle was long and monstrous, but in the end, Maggie McGreggor cast her ‘alluring enchantment’ spell on the ferocious homeless naked leprechaun and then she and Snarply McFarkler arrogantly spanked the creature 100 times! It vomited in pain, and then it was over. They had saved the world!

So raise your glass this St. Patrick’s Day in remembrance of Maggie McGregor and her enchanted lover Snarply McFarkler who saved the world from the ferocious homeless naked leprechaun, and from sneezing to death on the Three Eared Fetchling Flea Dust!

Here-Here!

~ Snarp

www.snarpfarkle.com