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Frosty the Snow Man Tried to Kill Me…
From the deep cavernous mind of... ~Snarp Farkle
Before I get to the attempt on my life by Frosty the Snow Man I want to take a moment to answer a “Letter to Snarp”. I just can’t resist!
Dear Snarp,
My family is offended if I don't come to Christmas dinner but the truth is I'd rather be anywhere else. What excuse can I use that won't make them hate me the rest of the year?
Sincerely,
Unconventional
Dear Unconventional,
How the hell did you get my address? Just kidding! Family gatherings can be… well rather boring. Watching Uncle Zeb blow his nose at the dinner table kind of ruins ones appetite not to mention Aunt Lillie’s ankle bitter Poodle humping your leg during the blessing!
Christmas dinner you said? Hmmm… Okay I got it!
Here’s the deal… don’t shower, shave your legs, or change your clothes for two weeks prior to dinner, and carry a two foot Bowie knife strapped to your leg. Use the Bowie knife as your eating utensil, but don’t hump any ones leg during the blessing… that’s just wrong!
Glad I could help!
Snarp
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Now on to the attempt on my life by Frosty the Snowman.
When you think of Frosty the Snowman you think of a friendly smiling fat little snowman that comes to life in the winter, sings pretty little songs, dances up and down the streets with the kiddies and all is good and peaceful, every body is smiling and happy.
Well there’s another side of Frosty that isn’t so sweet and innocent! Somehow he’s found a way to clone himself as “blow-up-yard-crap“! You know, the fifty dollar air filled yard crap that yard crap junkies keep putting up every year for all the holidays! In a week they are all slumped over like drunken senior citizens!
Well I was minding my own business, driving down the road on a nice breezy fall day admiring the colors of the leaves, listening to some elevator music on the radio, just being blissful. Then I noticed something in the road ahead… it was moving toward me at alarming speed… what the… I tried to swerve to get out of it’s way but it moved right back in my path as if it was determined to take me out! I swerved again and again it honed in on me like a magnet!
I slammed on the brakes… and then the impact… it hit and blurted out a sound that I can only describe as a giant whoopee cushion and laid itself on my hood with these big black eyes staring right at me with an evil look! It was Frosty all shriveled up like giant white prune! Some yard crap junkie didn’t stake him down and guess what happened? That’s right… he got loose and tried to kill me!
So as a warning to all yard crap junkies, keep Frosty tied up or I’ll take him out!
~ Snarp