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I don’t know about you but I really hated Valentine’s Day in grade school. You would be expected to write all your classmates’ names on those stupid little heart shaped cards that had those stupid little girlish sayings on them like; "BE MINE," "KISS ME," "CALL ME," and when it came time to write a name like Billy on one I would almost puke! What a stupid thing to make a kid do! No really!
Speaking of stupid, some dude used 220 red candles to make a huge heart on the floor in his living room. He then lit them all and went to pick up his girlfriend from work to surprise her for Valentine’s Day, but when they got back to the house it was on fire! SURPRISE! Hahaha! They stood there and watched as firemen battled to bring the blaze under control. In the end he not only lost his home but his girlfriend too because she left his stupid ass and moved back in with her parents, they're house wasn’t on fire! Hahaha what a dork!
Valentine's Day is dumb and everybody knows it! It’s supposed to be all about love isn’t it? The story is that Valentine's Day was actually created just to sell cards by Hallmark in 1913, but Valentine's Day, like Halloween, Easter and Christmas is rooted in ancient drunken pagan parties and can be traced back to an ancient pagan holiday in which men stripped naked, grabbed whips, ran through the streets and spanked young women in hopes of increasing their fertility!
No really!
In fact ladies of rank would purposely get in line to be whipped by these naked dudes, believing that the pregnant will be helped in delivery and help impregnate the ones who couldn’t get pregnant!
Uhh… ok… that’s really creepy! No really! [/ezcol_1half]
Then supposedly some dudes decided to make it against the law to get married because it interfered with the “Dudes Running Naked In The Streets Whipping Women Fetish Festival” since wives wouldn’t let husbands whip other women anymore, and then some dude named Valentine was beheaded on February 14 for performing marriages in secret, thus reducing the number of dudes allowed to run naked through the streets whipping strange women, which decreased the number of pregnant women!
I'm not 100% sure but I don’t think that whipping one has anything to do with getting one pregnant, but then again I've never been asked to try that! Hahaha!
No really!
So this is how this depressing day is remembered throughout history; a dude named Valentine is beheaded for interfering with the “Dudes Running Naked In The Streets Whipping Women Fetish Festival”, the Mormons were invented, the St. Valentine's Day Massacre, the fire-bombing of Dresden, incinerating tens of thousands of civilians, a fire in a Dublin nightclub kills 48 people, 2 trains collide spilling fuel oil that’s ignited by a scavenger’s cigarette and the explosion kills more than 100 people!
But on the bright side in 1990 the Space probe Voyager 1 takes a photograph of entire solar system and discovered Klingons who gave us the word "QA-PAR-HA" which means I love you in Klingon!
No really!
~Snarp