Reader

[ezcol_1half]

Yet another letter to Snarp that’s just begging to be answered! Its Holiday letters like these that just put a warm spot in my heart knowing that again some poor soul may find solace in my humbled advice! Many years of experience have taught me to be very gentle with my approach to answering letters at this time of the year as emotions can be high and even confusing for some. So let’s see what we can do for this reader who calls himself; “Familiar Stranger”, he asked the question; "Does Santa Claus really exist?"

Dear Familiar Stranger,

Thank you for writing and trusting me with such a delicate topic. I’ll do my best to answer it with as much love and respect that you seem to have for my humble advice.

But before I answer your question, I need to know something; I really… really need to know how can you be familiar if you're a stranger? Then again how can you be a stranger if you're familiar?

This is confusing me terribly!

I mean with a name like that what if you weren't familiar would that mean that you weren't a stranger too? And if you weren't a stranger would that mean that you weren't familiar also? Or if you weren't familiar does that mean you're strange, or strangely familiar, or familiarly strange?

And if you weren't familiarly strange would that mean you weren't strangely familiar too? Or maybe you're a strange stranger or familiarly familiar! If you are a strange stranger then I sense danger, which brings to mind the term "Stranger Danger"![/ezcol_1half]

Hmmm…

Well I think you're a strangely unfamiliar dangerous stranger for writing to me with a name like that! That's just wrong! It's like putting a blind man in a round room and telling him to go pee in the corner!

Why in the hell did you use a name like Familiar Stranger and cause me to get lost in the deepest parts of my cavernous mind going in circles for hours! You had me talking to myself… AGAIN! I hate it when I do that, it‘s like having two minds and trying to decide if they’re both wrong!

So you want me to answer your question; "Does Santa Claus really exist?" I know the answer but I’m not going to tell you, not after what you did to me! Do you have any idea what happens to a person who gets stuck in my mind for hours… assbag? It leaves mental scars and will make you poop funny for days!

Does Santa Claus really exist? You bet he does, but he's not a cheery and bright cute little fat man with pretty clothes bringing you pretty little presents to put under your pretty little tree, oh no… not for you buddy! He’s sending his ugly troll Cousin ‘Krap Kringle’ to your house! He’ll pee on your tree and all of your furniture; he’ll eat holes in all your socks and underwear, knaw the legs and ears off your teddy bears and hide under your bed, waiting for you to get up!

But hey, thanks for writing, and you have yourself a Merry Friggen Christmas too!

~Snarp
www.snarpfarkle.com