Time To Panic?

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[ezcol_1half]

Ever have a panic attack? I never really knew what one was until recently. If you’ve ever lifted up the toilet seat, then proceeded to sit down on the cold slimy porcelain and then get wedged in the toilet with your ass being dipped in toilet water, all within a matter of seconds, then yeah… you WILL have a panic attack! You may also experience ‘Toilet Rage’! That’s the same as Road Rage but instead of cussing out an assbag driver, you’re cussing out your toilet, like it’s the toilets fault that YOU were stupid!

Heart palpitations, rapid breathing and shortness of breath, headaches, increased blood pressure, irritable bowels, muscle tension, nausea, feeling dizzy, unsteady, lightheaded, or faint, fear of losing control or going crazy, feelings of numbness or tingling sensations are all symptoms of a panic attack.

Yeah… that was definitely a panic attack!

Hmmm… wait a minute; those symptoms are also associated with having sex! So why not just have sex when you feel a panic attack coming on and avoid all the unpleasantness? Unless of course the person you're having sex with does have nausea and irritable bowels! In that case, go ahead, have a panic attack, I know I would!!

If I got this right… a panic attack is like… suddenly realizing that you’re old enough to be an adult! But it’s probably more like that awkward moment when flushing someone else’s toilet and the water keeps rising and no plunger in sight! So now you have to go find the ill fated toilet’s owners to inform them of the dilemma! Then you get the thirty questions; “What did you put in there? Maybe if you didn’t use so much toilet paper, or are you sure you didn’t drop a cat in there or something?” [/ezcol_1half]

“Umm… no, shit is all and shit happens!” It’s bad enough when your own toilet goes all evil on you; but at least you know where the plunger is and the only dirty looks you get are from the mirror! I hate it when that happens, I look pretty scary when all stressed out!

During my research on panic, I came across one of the most useful ways to get rid of a panic attack, just place a paper bag over your mouth to keep from hyperventilating, and that’s okay, just be sure to drink all the tequila, and it will soon go away! Hahaha!

I was successful in thwarting a panic attack this morning however. The microwave up and quit working last night and I wouldn’t be able heat my two day old coffee up in the morning! If I hadn’t known it was broken, I would have freaked the hell out because I won’t throw two day old coffee out, it’s already seasoned! Instead I put the seasoned morning elixir of life in a thermos and made it through another day!

Life without a microwave is pretty scary! I can’t even make oatmeal or soup without a microwave! I’d have to actually use a pan and f-f-f-fire!

Too much stressful thinking will fire up a panic attack for sure! I already had a panic dream that I was stranded on a tropical island, with a junkyard dog, a rapid poodle, crazy birds, rats, a vicious king crab and a puking Yeti, all after my only steak that I couldn’t cook because I'm not allowed to play with matches and I don’t have a friggen working microwave! Sheesh!

~Snarp