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Ultimatums suck, but every once in a while you’re faced with one and you have to deal with it and I’m not kidding either! As a kid I’d get ultimatums every three seconds from everyone it seemed, not just Mumsie or Pops. After dealing with the morning ultimatums from Mumsie, I’d go outside to play with the neighbor kids and if I wasn’t careful I’d run into the neighborhood ‘UltiBully’! You know who they are, the neighborhood bully that would give you stupid ultimatums like; “If you don’t eat that dirt ball I’m going to cut your lips off and feed them to my cat!”

Sheesh, I hated it when they would say things like that to me, my mind immediately would bring up watching my cat eat a mouse and how it would chomp and bite down on the critter over and over, and after it was done swallowing all the pieces, it would look up at me and lick its lips and smile! The thought of a cat eating my lips was horrifying! Especially the part if I’d try to get them away from it, it would start that hissing and growling and distort its face into something evil and give me that; “If you try that again I will eat the rest of your face” look!

Another friggen ultimatum!

Then there’s the ‘PEW ultimatums’, those are the ones you get from sitting in church pews! And if you ended up sitting in a church pew because you got caught m-m-m-masturbating, you’ve already been given several ultimatums like; “If you do that again you’ll go blind!” AAAAAHHHHHH! Immediately, of course, my mind went to work trying to figure THAT out!  I was pretty sure that sperm didn’t come from my eyes, so the only other thing I could think of was maybe if sperm

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got into my eyes it would eat them like acid or something! So needless to say I made sure not to look down anymore and I also made sure I wasn’t aiming at anything that could cause a ricochet splash back! I did NOT want to go blind and I’m not kidding either!

Now the ‘PEW ultimatums’ come at you, if you have sex before marriage whether by yourself or with somebody, then you are going to hell and be set on fire and have demons eat your flesh forever! Again with the flesh eating! It was bad enough that cats want to eat my lips, now demons want to eat the rest of me… just because I was m-m-m-m-masturbating? Gee-whiz I’m sure glad I am not a kid anymore!

So now that I guess I’m considered an adult, because of my age that is, I still get ultimatums thrown at me but now at least I can tell the thrower to stuff their ultimatums up their nose with a rubber hose! Well… except for doctors that is, the last one I went to told me if I didn’t let her shove three foot wires up my legs and zap some veins with her laser that my feet will swell up and explode! Then she tells me that I have to wear these thick black nylons for six weeks prior to all that! Oh that’s just great… they look like tights and now I look like a grotesque version of Peter friggen Pan!

Ultimatums suck!

~Snarp
www.snarpfarkle.com